I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas, and I manage time efficiently. Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row. I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, and I cook Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love,and an outlaw in Peru. I was scouted by the Mets, and I am the subject of many documentaries. I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. I don't perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have been caller number nine and have won weekend passes. I bat .400. Children trust me. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I have performed several covert operations with the CIA. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me. I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. I don't believe in oxymorons. My favorite meal is Jumbo Shrimp and I work for the department of the redundancy department. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life, but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four course meals using only a mouli and a toaster oven. I breed prize-winning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis.